Wheezer!

Okay, something strange happens to me this time of year.

I keep looking out the window and checking the weather channel.

Searching for that first bud of springtime.

I get all jittery, and start to twitch, my fingers eager to sink themselves in to moist dark soil and make something grow!

Yes, I turn into Wheezer from the movie Steel Magnolias!

You know, the Wheezer that grows tomatoes, because "That's what old Southern ladies do, we wear funny hats and we grow tomatoes!"


(Funny hat!)


(Tomatoes!)


I am not sure how old I actually was, when this phenomenon started, I just know that it has been this way for a few years now.

I tirelessly work the dirt, compost and manure together to create a rich, plant loving environment. Every muscle is strained, it takes me two days, and I smell like, well cow poop!

I love every minute of it!

I try to do this loving chore on a weekend El Jeffe is out with his golf buddies. Mainly, because I don't want instructions on why I am doing it wrong, I just want to enjoy it!

Besides, I already have a "supervisor"!




So my tomatoes are planted and I am anxiously awaiting the first little peep of a green tomato baby. I am watering and fussing over them daily, looking forward to those wonderful, big, red, juicy, home-grown tomatoes!

And Yes, I have taken a shower!

TMI

Good Evening Folks!

Tonight I am going to discuss T.M.I. (or for us normal non-acronym folks "Too Much Information")

I am constantly amazed by people who seem oblivious to their surroundings.

Come on, you KNOW what I am talking about....

The person in the car next to you at the red light picking their nose so intensely that you think they are scratching their brain!

The woman in rush hour traffic, driving with her knee, talking on her phone AND applying mascara, with the rear view mirror turned to her face.

The couple in the movies next to you groping each other(well good for them!)

Yes, these are the things I am talking about

But the one that really gets me is people in public on cell phones,

TALKING LOUDLY

So loud, you are convinced the person on the other end is totally deaf or in a wind tunnel or standing next to a booming stereo.

Yes those morons!

This happens all the time

In the grocery store

At the gym

In a restaurant

anywhere everywhere

It's nuts!

I do not want to know that much about your life, I don't know you, nor do I want to know how your bowel movements are, what you and your girlfriend did to each other last night or what your brother's girlfriend's mother said to her girlfriend's sister's husband!

Today was a great example of HOW NOT TO TALK ON A CELL PHONE IN A PUBLIC PLACE

I took Ms. Daisy for her doctor's appointment today. I was minding my own business, in the waiting room, with my cell phone on vibrate (I don't even want anyone to know what my ringtones are!).

Now I get this obvious offense of common courtesy, if you are under the age of 21, but when you are older than me, and talking loudly in a room filled with people, I have a problem.....

Because you should KNOW BETTER!

This particular violater, was around 63 and she was NOT deaf or hard of hearing. I NOW know, she has absolutely no control of herself with it comes to shopping and can't be trusted with money, i.e. "I know Rose, Junior gives me $80.00 a day and I spend it on scratch offs, cigarettes and I bought 12 pairs of jeans because they were on sale for $5.99!" (Does anyone KNOW where you can get jeans for $5.99?)

I also know that she wears a size "0", which she repeated several times, because the jeans she purchased (see above) were size 12! She just couldn't resist the bargain.

She has also had a fight with her bank, because when she went to use her debit card and got cash "It said I had $300.00 in the bank, so I took $200.00 out....then they bounced 4 of my checks!" After much further discussion, the bank has closed her account.

You see where I am going with this....yes you do!

This leads to said 63 year old, telling Rose that she is so bad with money and can't be trusted, that she has even spent the money that she owed to.....you guessed it ROSE!

Okay so now the nurse has come and called her in to see the doctor....I am on my knees thanking GOD at this point, because I was very afraid of what I might learn about "Junior"!

Yikes, people.....TMI

Keep your voice down, be aware of your surroundings, and for God's sake, watch what you scream into your cell phone....

Things like, "OH MY GOD, YOU GAVE ME WHAT?" just won't do!

Things like, "OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!" Completely acceptable (if you want every person in town coming to you for cash!)

I was getting over myself, calmly reading my book, when you guessed it

ELVIS WALKED IN! And no I am not kidding....

Not the young goodlooking Elvis

The old fat, too much hair, sideburns and GUT Elvis....

This is when I realized that no matter what I think, how I think, just when I am getting a handle on reality, life throws me a big ol' curve ball and says, just shut up and enjoy the ride!

Have a great night!

MY KITCHEN!!!!

Okay, so I had decided that this was going to be a more positive post.

Then there was carnage in my kitchen!

SOMEONE, put my good knives in the DISHWASHER.

I am sorry, but that is a sin, one punishable by death, by the dull, expensive, horribly ruined knife that YOU put in the dishwasher!

Girding my anger, I go in search of the offender...

There are only TWO possibilities...Ms. Daisy or El Jeffe.....Hummmm

Did they NOT heed the warnings?

Was I unclear?

Is the appreciation of the food that comes out of MY KITCHEN substandard?

I THINK NOT!

Still, no one will actually take responsibility!

Now, here is where the "rubber meets the road"

I have no problem saying, "I am sorry, I WAS WRONG!"

or "Oops, my bad, my fault!"

So, I have TWO people, pointing fingers at each other and praying that I do not discover the truth.

I know now that they are in "cahoots" (and is that even a word)

I will never know the culprit

So here is my message to Ms. Daisy and El Jeffe......

If I find another of my knives, and I don't care how old you think it is, in the dishwasher, YOU BOTH WILL PAY!

Because I know how to make ALPO taste like biscuits and gravy!

So beware, and the "food sniff" test won't work!

(Okay, so do you all think this will work...I am not sure....I hope I was stern enough!)

Well, since this is my first blog, I decided to talk about my week as a driver.

I drive everywhere and I take my Mom everywhere she needs to go...

It is kinda like "Driving Ms. Daisy"

Trust me, me and Morgan Freeman are not having fun!

This week I ran my usual errands for Ms. Daisy and El Jeffe (my husband, since his name is Jeff thought it was appropriate)and I went to the gym, I had more than the normal traffic challenges.

Specifically,Q-tips...those drivers, that when you are behind them or they pull out and cut you off.... all you can see is the white "poofy" hair sticking over the top of the headrest.

Yes, for those of you that are slow, that is an old gray-haired person.

For some reason, during this last week, every single one of them that lives in H-town has pulled out in front of me, cut me off or generally caused driving mayhem. I swear it is on purpose!

Two of them have actually pulled out of a parking lot directly infront of me(ACK), and while I was standing upside down on my head with all my body parts, pressed, puckered or otherwise engaged on the turning and braking system of my truck... had the audacity to shoot me the ....um....flying finger!

Talk about stressful! And in my mind is " you evil old...#*@&*&$&*@" .... not out loud.. just in my head...

How do you handle this, as I have also witnessed this as a passenger and the Q-tip was Ms. Daisy...I am telling you the floorboard of the car wasn't low enough and I was STILL VISIBLE!! ACK! It was also the last time Ms. Daisy drove me anywhere!

But I digress.

Today, I was on my Daisy/El Jeffe/gym run, when I looked in the rear view mirror.....

Small sporty little car, could hear the radio from behind me, BOOM BOOM BOOM BASS. I tell you the glass in my truck was rattling, and you know that kid...oops.... MAN...is totally deaf!

His finger is flying and his lips are flapping....what in the heck is going on

I am doing my normal 5 to 10 miles OVER the speed limit, I have my rock and roll radio station on ...I am cruisin', man!

The road went to two lanes, sporty flies around me, finger up, fist pumping, radio blasting and attitude going!

I realized that I am becoming a Q-tip!

OH NO! I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS!

Thank GOD for hair dye.....maybe I can hide the poofy gray "halo" for just a little bit longer!

TRUST ME...just don't look back! ;D